Beauty is not putting any restrictions on the little voice that's within you. --Tangie Ambrose

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

It's kind of sinking in. I'm 23 as of today.  As my dear friend Ashley said, "one year closer to a quarter life crisis".  I'm old, but I feel so young.  Yeah, I know someone 40 or even 30 will say that I'm still young, but I feel unsure and small about what lies ahead in my near future. 

It's been a good birthday.  Saturday, Ashley treated me out to bowling and then we went to a little pub where we partook in rum and cokes.  Came back to her house and watched a Margaret Cho special.  It was really great.  I was very happy to spend my (early) birthday with her.  The next day I came back to Anderson to meet my aunt and uncle up at the Olive Garden.  We had a nice lunch, and I got The Pursuit of Happyness, an Indian-type relaxation cd, a 5-disc set of all Mozart's hits and a folding chair.  LOL.  From my cousin Chip I got a red Bob Marley tee that I'm afraid is too small for me.  I've gained too much weight this year.  I also got earrings from him. 

Today was mildly good although I realized how little money I have after spring break, taxes, and my vehicle tax.  Very little.  Also, I made plans to watch a movie tonight with the roommate and when I went out to smoke a cigarette, somebody stole The Pursuit of Happyness that we were going to watch.  So I was really sad about that. Also got back my astronomy test.  I completely, miserably, and flammably bombed it.  Though after asking my professor he assured me that still am passing the course and that I still have many opportunities to raise the grade, with more quizzes and homework, and our last test and constellation quiz.  So that's good.  Passing's the main goal. 

Group processes was fun tonight.   We played a game called Truth Truth Lie, where you write down two truths about yourself and one lie.  Then we played The Superlative game where everyone writes down on an index card three superlatives about anything that could be attributed to the members of our class.  Then one person picks a card and has everyone close their eyes.  With our eyes closed we all point to the person we render most worthy of the superlative (examples: most likely to become a self-made billionairre, most sensitive, most likely to join The Mile High Club, etc. lol).

Then I got back to the dorm, my movie disappeared, and now I'm procrastinating on doing this powerpoint.  Seriously, I'm going to do it right now

I hate her.  I truly do.  My roommate.  I can't even think when she's in the room.   I'd do anything to have my own room to not be in a room where someone is clicking and typing (what more, on message boards, ims, and computer games) 80% of her waking hours.  Seriously.  I hate her immensely.  Fucking bitch.

Bought my first pack on Monday, February 25th on my way into Greenwood.  Marlboro Menthol 100s in a green and white box. I enjoy smoking because it has put me at ease and I like the buzz I get from them. They go by surprisingly quickly. I have decided not to smoke in my car, because that can be a hard smell to get out.  Don't worry.  I am aware of the health risks involved, and I will not let myself get addicted.  I'm just experimenting and living a little.

Monday, Feb 25        -- 3
Tuesday, Feb 26        -- 5
Wednesday, Feb 27   -- 5

I feel like I'm going to explode.  Is it possible to feel so empty, yet so full of anger at the same time?  I am struggling to keep up with my classes (and understand one of them, astronomy), and I feel like going to class is futile.  What good is going to class when I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack just being around people?  The anger part.  My roommate spends most of her time either constantly typing on her computer or clicking away on it playing a stupid video game.  CONSTANT CLICKING.  I'm a person that needs silence, when I'm working and when I'm trying to go to sleep. 

She, on the other hand, needs noise at most all times, I've witnessed.  This does not work.  It is too expensive, too late and too much of a hassle to move to a room on the third floor (I am on first floor right now; no elevators to drag all my shit up there.)  I have so much built up tension and anger at her computer typing that keeps me awake at night.  One night I even went out and planned to sleep in the lobby. 

About an hour later, she's poking me saying "sorry, I didn't mean to be loud".  If you didn't mean to be loud you wouldn't put your video game music on in the first place when someone in the room with you is trying to sleep -- it's just not needed. 

I finally got around to telling her that last night.  I.e. - "can you turn down that music?" She whimpered in response saying, it's as low as it could go.  And I said it, I said, "do you really need music on when I'm trying to sleep?"  I mean, is that so much to ask, is that really a selfish thing to inquire? 

Her hesitance at even complying with that small request makes me hesitant myself at what to do to ask her to take her computer out into the lobby when I'm trying to sleep.  I mean, she takes her laptop with her to her friends rooms at other times, why couldn't she when I'm trying to sleep?  I don't think she realizes how loud her typing is. 

I feel like punching a punching bag's lights out, if that tells you how angry I am.  I'm anxious during the day time in classes and stressed when I come back to my room which should be my haven yet all I hear is clicking..clicking..clicking.  I am angry about it but I never show it.  This needs to change.

South Carolina's primary is this Saturday, so pick a candidate who's views you support, or who most supports your views, and get your butt to the polls.  Several of the many reasons I'm voting for Dennis Kucinich because he is

• the only candidate who is a full supporter of same-sex marriage (voted "No" on banning same sex marriage and "No" on constitutionally defining marriage as only between a man and a woman)
• opposed to sending more troops to Iraq as well as Afghanistan and wants a quick (not 2013) withdrawal
• opposed to expanding the armed forces (in favor of a national guard, but against a national draft)
  
• an advocate of a universal health care plan with a single payer proposal that will come from taxes
  
• pro-choice, after seeing women's health being put at risk
• a believer that the use of medical marijuana should be between the doctor and the patient
  
• for protecting social security, and not privatizing it
• against tax cuts for the wealthy
• for replacing oil and coal with healthier alternatives
• in favor of creating a pathway for immigrants to earn citizenship

More on Dennis can be found at

• http://www.ontheissues.org/Dennis_Kucinich.htm

Information on other candidates is here

• http://www.ontheissues.org/2008.htm

Decide for yourself!  It's not too late if you're a South Carolinian...ya got a day to choose.  For everybody else out there, get pumped or be left in the dust! You'll have no reason to complain about your president if you don't vote.  Obviously, it's going to be very unlikely you will agree with your candidate on every single issue, but choose somebody - especially if you're voting for a lesser-known candidate - such as Republicans Paul and Keyes, Democrats Kucinich and Gravel, and just about anybody from the Green, Libertarian and Reform Party. And all you Colbert fans, haha.

If you don't vote for your candidate in the primaries, you may not be ABLE to vote for them in the general elections.  They need all the support you can offer.  If not monetary (though that's extremely helpful), spread the word by encouraging your friends and family to vote, having discussions about issues in the world that are important to you (it's a lot easier to try this then saying "let's talk politics", I'll tell ya) and in general just try to listen and get a feel for where someone is coming from as you talk about issues from someone.  Remember, trying to get someone to vote for the candidate you are supporting is harder than just encouraging them to think for themselves and choose their own candidate.  If you can just help someone to wanna help themselves by voting, then that's a good start.

A couple of other sites you may want to check out regarding the candidates are

• for foreign affairs
• for speeches and interviews
• for general biographical information and also a link where you can take a test to find out which candidate shares your views the most
  

Stay informed and believe that you make a difference!

30.7% of The L Word Season 1 is complete on my torrent!  A friend introduced me to Azureus last week and this is my first download.  I'm so excited.  I've only seen two episodes of the show and am so eager to see more.  And I'd definetly rather wait a couple of weeks for it to download than pay 30+ bucks a season for it.

An online friend of mine, Ashley (the one who introduced me to Azureus), came to visit me last week.  We went out to eat, played pool, then watched 8 Legged Freaks with David Arquette.  It was a cheesy horror flick.  I had fun, and hope she did too.  She's even cuter in real life.  But you know me...I wasn't shy being around her, but I was definetly too shy to even try to flirt with her. (We did have a good hug at the end, though;-). But we had good conversation - talked about dreams, school, relationships.  It was a good time.  We have barely talked since then, but I understand we're both busy with school and she's additionally busy with work, so I'm not worrying too much.  We've agreed that we should hang out again.

Shannon, my next-door neighbor in the dorm and friend been taking Dr. Elsner's cooking class for J-term.  Which means... I've been getting to try out lots of tasty treats - chocolate-raspberry cheesecake, yeast rolls, irish soda bread, baklava, cream brule, and chocolate mousse.  Yummy!

Okay, back to my paper that's due this Friday.

So my roommate found out today that she is two classes away from graduating.  TWO CLASSES.  I'm dissapointed, I have to admit.  I was really looking forward to having my own room.  So yeah, she's really grumpy today and grumbling about, "They didn't tell me about it..." "Stupid, stupid, classes". "My paranoia was right this time".  All the while I'm thinking, "THEY" didn't tell you? How old are you, eight?  Everyone knows it's up to you - working with your advisor - but ultimately up to the student to keep track of your credits towards graduation. If she hasn't been sure about this why did she only find out today?  I didn't even know she was unsure until an hour ago when she said she had to go to a meeting to "talk about it".

But I've already decided. I'm NOT going to let her whininess and grumpiness add to my dissapointment of not having my own room. I can't change the situation but I can and do have control of my attitude towards this.

I find it poor on myself that I am looking forward to the day that my roommate moves out in a couple of weeks (she's graduating early).  She's been my friend here at college for (going on) the past four and a half years, but really, it's one of those things where I'm friends with her just because I've been too shy too seek out other friends who really share some of my interests (these include NOT excessive movie-watching and role-playing games).  She goes to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning, wakes up around 3 pm on weekends, and a little earlier this past semester on weekdays.  On the other hand, I got to sleep between 12 and 1 and like to be up at least before noon (which is not some high honor I know).  I just get annoyed at how she has to be silly and dramatic about every little thing that captures her attention.  It gets on my nerves and it's the kind of thing where I can really only take someone in small doses.  Oh well, maybe I'm being too harsh, but these are just my thoughts.

By the way, I'm listening to Radiohead's In Rainbows.  I love Faust Arp, Reckoner, and Up on the Ladder, good stuff.  

Your Personality Is Like Acid

A bit wacky, you're very difficult to predict. One moment you're in your own little happy universe... And the next, you're on a bad trip to your own personal hell! At your best: You understand the world completely, and every ordinary experience is sublime. What people like about being around you: You say and do the craziest things. You're very entertaining. What people dislike about being around you: You're unpredictable. Your mood swings are quite intense. How addicted people get to you: They pretty much don't get addicted to you.

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

What the fuck is up with fucking GOOGLE visiting my blog?  Would you stop that, as in now? Okay, thanks.

Yes.  I suck like a Hoover found a hairball .  I have an 8-pg paper and a 15-minute presentation due tomorrow .

I'm barely anywhere, but soon to kick some major ass .  Just gotta stay focused .

Thanksgiving was busy - I spent Tuesday through Thursday in Greenville at my aunt, uncle, and cousin's, and Friday through Sunday in Washington D.C (getting back to Due West late last night.)

Chip brought his friend Jenn from Clemson for T-break.  Jenn brought her dog Sadie.  I got to see the Brittany spaniels, Terry and Jeffrey, again.  Thanksgiving day (Thurdsay) was nice...I just feel out of place eating at the Commerce Club, where we go to eat.  I mean, I've been eating there for the past four years and you think I'd be used to it by now.  It's beautiful - at least 14ish stories up in the air with a beautiful view of Greenville.  Not the best food ever, but decent...LOTS of food.  To be honest I could go for a home-cooked meal but I am simply grateful that I have food to eat. So lemme throw it right up here and say I'm not complaining, just saying that I really haven't gotten used to eating in such a high end place of dining.  The people I meet through my aunt and uncle are all really nice, I guess it's just that I don't know the people and feel very unfamiliar around there.  I also feel that I could be spending part of my time helping other people or serving them.  That sounds really cheesy to say I'm sure, and I do enjoy spending time with my family, I just would like to find balance between enjoying the material luxuries of life and giving back to those that don't have access to things like food and shelter.

Early Friday morning Shannon and I packed up a cooler of sandwiches, fruit, cereal bars, and chips for Friday and Saturday and started our road trip to Washington, D.C.  We listened to a lot of music and talked a lot at some times, at other times drove in silence.  I'd like to think it was a comfortable silence on the other end, but for me, sometimes I felt like neither of us just had nothing to say.  Anyways, Shannon brought with her Henry, which is what she named her GPS navigator that she hooked up in my car.  It was quite helpful, but sometimes it confused us and we had to backtrack and recalculate.

Friday night we arrived in Arlington, Virginia (about ten minutes away from Washington, D.C.), and didn't have really anything to do that night except eat dinner at this little diner restaurant on the first floor of the hotel.  Worst dinner ever.  Okay - the chilli cheese fries as our appetizer were great, but everything else was blech.  I ordered a Philly cheese steak and it was the most awful thing I'd ever eaten.  The person who served us our food had no personality whatsoever, and said maybe two words to us.  He kind of watched us too, like he had nothing better to do.  But to be honest, I can see why because 1) he most likely didn't speak much to us at all because he didn't know very much English and 2) the place was completely dead.  noone was in there, and it was just uncomfortable.

But, the next morning we woke up and walked/rode the Metro all over town.  We saw the Washington Monument, Lincoln, Vietnam, and World War II memorials, the Capitol building (just the outside), Museum of National History, the Old Post Office, many Starbucks, one ridiculously posh McDonald's with gold plated doors, and several interesting homeless men - some nice, some grateful, one scary.

Saturday we saw Tegan and Sara - a twin sister musical group from Vancouver, who were as well our ultimate reason for coming to D.C.!  They had an opening act called Northern State that rapped and spat rhymes like whoa, and Tegan and Sara sounded great.  My favorite songs, Are You Ten Years Ago, Walking With A Ghost, Dark Come Soon and The Con, were amazing!  They opened up with Dark Come Soon.  They told funny little stories in between their songs like crazy Youtubers, neighbors drinking gin, cheap hotel rooms, video cameras, etc.  We were laughing hard.  They seemed really down to earth and great girls - it would have been so awesome to meet them!  I did get to meet Northern State though, and they signed a poster for me. 

All in all, it was a good trip.  It was an amazing opportunity.  I know if I had the chance, I'd take it again to visit that town, but ultimately, I wouldn't enjoy living there.  It's just too cold!  However, I know if I move to Indiana when I graduate I'll be even colder.  I don't know what I'm doing after graduation.  I don't even want to go there right now....anywho, g'night.

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as The Little-Boy Dyke You bare an uncanny resemblance to a teenage boy, but your facial piercings and natural beauty are usually an indication that you really are a woman. The Student Dyke 40% The Little-Boy Dyke 40% The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke 40% The Sprightly Elfin Femme 35% The Stud 35% The Bohemian Dyke 35% The Pretty-Boi Dyke 35% The Granola Dyke 30% The Surprise! Dyke 30% The Femme Fatale 25% The Quasi-Gothic Femme 20% The Hipster Dyke 15% The Magic Earring Ken Dyke 5%   But it was interesting at least.  What do you think?